Birthday buzz
Beep beep beep ''owwwwwwww"! That hurt. It's 6:oo am and I fell out of bed. Not a great start to my 5th birthday, but oh well. ''Hurry up mum''! I whined."I need breakfast quickly so we can get to lollipops play land for my party''. It is 12:00 and me and my friends have arrived. I raced excitingly for the big slide with the ball pit on the bottom. I started too slide down as two round disks trapped me in the front and back!"aghhhhhh"! save me!I yelled as loud as the school bell! "Wake up"!yelled mum. "I have your bacon and eggs for your birthday breakfast'' .....
This is a draft piece of writing please comment.
Hi Courtney
ReplyDeleteA great start to your story. You kept me hooked and interested because you kept the suspense in your story and I was always wondering what would happen next. I giggled when I read your ending. Vey clever!
How about adding in some speech marks and similies. Do you think you could add these and change it to red.
Mrs Natusch
Mrs natusch
ReplyDeleteI added in speech marks to my story. p.s you spelt very wrong!
To Courtney
ReplyDeleteI liked how you started with Beep beep beep ''owwwwwwww"!!!!!!! That hurt. It's 6:oo am and I fell out of bed. Not a great start to my 5th birthday, but oh well. ''Hurry up mum''! I whined."I need breakfast quickly so we can get to lollipops play land for my party''.
Next time you can yose so colours in your writing?
What was your favourite part and why?
From Makayla!
To Makayla
DeleteThank you for your comment.My favourite part was at the end when the girl woke up and found out it was just a dream.
from Courtney
To Courtney
ReplyDeleteI think you did an awesome post.
What is your favorite part of your story?
My favorite part was the beginning of your story.
From Katherine
To Katherine
DeleteThank you for your comment.My favourite part was at the end when the girl woke up and found out it was just a dream.
From Courtney
Hi Courtney
ReplyDeleteYou have done really well in commenting and then replying back to all your comments.
Can you now add in some adverbs?
When you said "You raced..." how did you race?
Mrs Natusch