Thursday, August 23, 2012

Birthday buzz


                                            Birthday buzz

Beep beep beep   ''owwwwwwww"! That hurt. It's 6:oo am and I fell out of bed. Not a great start to my 5th birthday, but oh well. ''Hurry up mum''! I whined."I need breakfast quickly so we can get to lollipops play land for my party''. It is 12:00 and me and my friends have arrived. I raced excitingly for the big slide with the ball pit on the bottom. I started too slide down as two round disks trapped me in the front and back!"aghhhhhh"! save me!I yelled as loud as the school bell! "Wake up"!yelled mum. "I have your bacon and eggs  for your birthday breakfast'' .....

This is a draft piece of writing please comment.
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7 comments:

  1. Mrs NatuschAugust 23, 2012 at 8:55 PM

    Hi Courtney
    A great start to your story. You kept me hooked and interested because you kept the suspense in your story and I was always wondering what would happen next. I giggled when I read your ending. Vey clever!
    How about adding in some speech marks and similies. Do you think you could add these and change it to red.
    Mrs Natusch

    ReplyDelete
  2. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 27, 2012 at 11:58 AM

    Mrs natusch

    I added in speech marks to my story. p.s you spelt very wrong!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 30, 2012 at 9:36 AM

    To Courtney

    I liked how you started with Beep beep beep ''owwwwwwww"!!!!!!! That hurt. It's 6:oo am and I fell out of bed. Not a great start to my 5th birthday, but oh well. ''Hurry up mum''! I whined."I need breakfast quickly so we can get to lollipops play land for my party''.
    Next time you can yose so colours in your writing?
    What was your favourite part and why?

    From Makayla!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 30, 2012 at 9:51 AM

      To Makayla

      Thank you for your comment.My favourite part was at the end when the girl woke up and found out it was just a dream.

      from Courtney

      Delete
  4. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 30, 2012 at 7:10 PM

    To Courtney

    I think you did an awesome post.
    What is your favorite part of your story?
    My favorite part was the beginning of your story.

    From Katherine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Powerful Learners in Room 7!September 3, 2012 at 9:27 AM

      To Katherine

      Thank you for your comment.My favourite part was at the end when the girl woke up and found out it was just a dream.


      From Courtney

      Delete
  5. Powerful Learners in Room 7!September 3, 2012 at 9:32 AM

    Hi Courtney
    You have done really well in commenting and then replying back to all your comments.
    Can you now add in some adverbs?
    When you said "You raced..." how did you race?
    Mrs Natusch

    ReplyDelete

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