It was a late Tuesday night. I was fast asleep on my lily pad in the icy cold pond when suddenly I was drifting gracefully! Me, Terence toad in mid air!"I can't believe it!" Luckily I had my beloved lily pad with me for good luck. I was amused when my friends joined me!
The night sky was pitch black. we went past farmer bills house and then we sort of got caught up in his clean washing! we went soaring through granny Alice's spooky house."I'm scared" I whimpered. Alice was snoring loudly with the telly on. I decided to watch the exiting toads on ice. After I got to see the end of the show I found myself slowly drifting through the window.
We swooped out The window and immediately started plummeting down and I was down on the ground. I had to leave my beloved lily pad behind.It was time to let go anyway . "Boo Hoo" I cried. :( . We hopped home and caught a near sight of a detective holding my lily pad!(I know it was mine because I scratched a capital t on it). The detective was examining the pads seriously with the police!I strained my ears so I could hear the detective speaking too the police and saying that he would get rid of the pond and the frogs!!!!!!!!!!!!! "NNNNooooooooooooo"!!!!!!!!!!!!! I yelled. The detective decided that he had had enough and went home.Eventually I got over it and went to bed.
The next Tuesday night at exactly 7:58 Pm my friends the pigs did the exact same thing at the exact same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Weird????????????... The Tuesday night after that at 8:02 the cows were flying like there was no tomorrow! Awkward!
This is my draft piece of writing. Please leave a comment and tell me what I did well and what I need to work on.
The night sky was pitch black. we went past farmer bills house and then we sort of got caught up in his clean washing! we went soaring through granny Alice's spooky house."I'm scared" I whimpered. Alice was snoring loudly with the telly on. I decided to watch the exiting toads on ice. After I got to see the end of the show I found myself slowly drifting through the window.
We swooped out The window and immediately started plummeting down and I was down on the ground. I had to leave my beloved lily pad behind.It was time to let go anyway . "Boo Hoo" I cried. :( . We hopped home and caught a near sight of a detective holding my lily pad!(I know it was mine because I scratched a capital t on it). The detective was examining the pads seriously with the police!I strained my ears so I could hear the detective speaking too the police and saying that he would get rid of the pond and the frogs!!!!!!!!!!!!! "NNNNooooooooooooo"!!!!!!!!!!!!! I yelled. The detective decided that he had had enough and went home.Eventually I got over it and went to bed.
The next Tuesday night at exactly 7:58 Pm my friends the pigs did the exact same thing at the exact same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Weird????????????... The Tuesday night after that at 8:02 the cows were flying like there was no tomorrow! Awkward!
This is my draft piece of writing. Please leave a comment and tell me what I did well and what I need to work on.
Hi Courtney
ReplyDeleteYour choice of language really engages the reader and keeps them 'hooked' on your writing!
I like the way you set the scene and described the icy pond and how you started drifting gracefully.
Could you add some dialogue in for me?
Mrs Natusch
To Mrs Natush
DeleteI read your comment and added diolog to my story.
Courtney
Thanks for adding in some dialogue Courtney. It adds some characterisation for the reader. (PS - dialogue can be one of your next weeks spelling words).
ReplyDeleteNow, think about how you can introduce the detective into your narrative. The first we hear of him/her is when he/she is examining the lily pad. What other details can you give the reader? Maybe you need to start a new paragraph to introduce this character and what they are doing?
I really enjoy reading the beginning of each paragraph because it hooks me in and I want to read more!
Well done!
Mrs N